Waves of grief lap endlessly around my ankles, beckoning me to wade into the murky depth of gut-wrenching emotion.
The warmth of the familiar tempts me to step toward the incoming tide.
Yet, I resist.
For the moment, a fear of drowning in the abyss shields my tender heart, protecting me from further pain.
If I close my eyes, will it go away?
No, and I will miss so many good things if I’m not looking for them.
Do I really want Fear to guard the door of my heart?
No, Fear is not my friend.
Fear seeks to kill and destroy.
So much death already…
As the pool of feelings grows still deeper, I begin to panic…only to find that kicking and fighting against my powerlessness stirs the undertow of despair.
Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Then, His words speak softly to me in my turmoil,
Know that I am your God.”
As Peace floods my soul like a river I’ve only sung about, my flailing efforts at self-preservation desist.
A calm washes over me and I remember to breathe again as I adjust to floating gently on the surface of the ongoing emotional tidal waves.
I float lazily for awhile, feeling safe from the deep beneath me.
My floating is comfortable…easy…effortless.
Suddenly, I am awakened from my complacency by the words trailing through my brain…
Since when did “safe”, “comfortable”, “easy”, and “effortless” describe the life of a disciple?
In my desire to avoid the wounding that the world sometimes brings, I had closed my heart to everything…the bad as well as the good.
No more tears but also no more laughter.
No more loss; no more love.
No more rejection; no more acceptance.
No more hurt; no more healing.
No more pain; no more tenderness.
No more breaking; no more redemption.
Woe is me…I had begun to skim the surface of a life that I was created to dive into.
I finally understand that, in order to delight in the beauty of God, I must embrace the tragedy of His creation.
Now, I’m suited up and prepared to swim to the depths of emotional challenges.
I will drink deeply from the cup that has been passed to me, ever grateful for the opportunity to share in Yeshua’s joy as well as His suffering.
Oh, to waste even one day of this precious gift called Life…May it never be said of me!